Stages

Some say they are seven, others say there are just five stages. However, if you have ever dealt with pain, loss, and suffering, you would know that five or seven is pretty much irrelevant. Grief if just grief.
Who decided to herd grief sufferers into a box, give them a list of steps and decide that that was the way everyone gets through the pain of grief anyway. Before anyone answers, I don't want to actually know their name.

It doesn't really help a person who is grieving to feel boxed in to a way to get through the pain. It makes it even worse when you feel like you're doing it wrong.

I lost my mom seventeen years ago, and for her I still grieve. On cool crisp fall mornings that I know she loved. For the look on her face that I never got to see when I walked down the aisle.
My grandfather, who was in my book one of the most amazing people I have known passed away five months ago. I grieve knowing I missed his last Christmas because we decided to stay in Florida last year. I grieve for my grandma who lost the partner that was her other half for 62 years.
I still grieve the children we lost to miscarriage. I grieve for the moments I longed for that will never come. The first steps, first words, first day of school, and so many more. The grief is different, but in all cases, it still sneaks up on me sometimes.
I still grieve, yet I have grieved according to the "plan". I have processed every step. Am I doing it wrong? Am I broken?

By the list, anger is number two, but I can tell you that I have felt it after number four, before number one, and again and again and again. I don't let it consume me, but the anger is still there.

I still bargain. I bargained on my wedding day, bargained when I sat getting the news that I miscarried, bargained when I knew Jim was the one and wanted to share the news with mom. I bargained back in May when I was booking my flight to let me make it there to say goodbye to Grandpa. I bargain a lot.

People ask if this gets easy, and all I can say is what I know. No, it never ever gets easy. It just get easier.

And by the way, where does happy fit into all of this? What about the moments I laugh out loud thinking back and cherishing the memories I was lucky enough to have?

I find joy in everyday. Everyday I find at least three things to be grateful and happy for. I have gotten past the stages and by all accounts, I have dealt with the loss. I am not doing it wrong, I am not a mess. I am human and I feel.

I guess I just need to say that if you are grieving a loss, any kind of loss, its okay to find your own way through it. Sit in your car and scream, cry when you want, laugh when you feel like it, smile and dance if it feels right.

Know that there is no right or wrong way, and understand that everyone does it differently.

Grief, by definition is deep mental anguish, as that arising from bereavement

Grief for those actually dealing with it is ugly and messy.
Grief, simply put, is as individual as the person experiencing it.

It's writers workshop time!

This week I picked two of the prompts from Mama Kats Writers Workshop.
# 3 - Tell us about Grandpa and #5 - Three things we want to know about you


#3 - Grandpa

I told you about one of my Grandpas last week on his birthday. This week I will tell about my other Grandpa, known as Papa Jerry. He passed away in May, and I have struggled with the loss since. I miss him very much and still feel guilt for not being there in his final moments and for being in Florida for the last two years away from him and my grandma. Here is my way of telling a little bit about a one of a kind, amazing man.

• Letting me "drive" when I was little
• $2 allowance every week (for doing nothing)
• Werthers candies with every birthday gift
• Pretending to be mad when I "stole" his peppermint candies
• Letting me comb his hair..mohawks, barrettes, and spikes were just a few styles
• Lollipops stocked in the secret desk drawer at all times
• The handmade tv stand
• Neon golf balls (and white ones too) stored in egg crates. Lots and lots of golf balls
• He insisted on wearing jeans even laying in the hospital bed
• The customary hey little lady greeting
• Buying me the pogo ball when Dad said no
• Buying me just about anything when Dad said no
• Making sure Moms resting place was always clean, pretty, and had flowers
• Friday night Fish dinners at the Moose
• Breakfasts at Choo Choos
• He always had a pen and notebook in his front shirt pocket
• A gentle giant
• Always taking care of Grandma who misses him so (married for 62 years)
• Treating my mom, his daughter in law, like his own.
• Always feeling safe in his presence.
  

It's a small small list of just a few of the little things that added up to one amazing, larger than life man. I am beyond lucky to have had such an amazing man for a grandfather.

Love you lots Papa Jerry! Missing you very much


# 5
Three things you might want to know about me
Here goes

1) Even at 32, I am still a little scared of the dark. When Jim travels I leave a light on when I go to bed. Because no one can come into the house and attack me if there is a light on....right?

2) A year ago I took up sewing and now I am obsessed.
I bought the sewing machine on a whim. I was buying fabric to re-upholster a chair and a woman was buying fabric to make a purse. She told me how easy it was, and then pointed to my purse and told me I could definitely make a similar purse with ease. One week later, I bought a beginners sewing book and a sewing machine. I have made purses, aprons, skirts, quilts, hot pads and more. I love it!

3) I wear my heart (and every other emotion) on my sleeve.
I cry when I am happy. I cry when I am sad. I laugh at my own jokes. When I am happy, or sad, or angry, it shows. I spent a long time trying to change it, thinking it was a negative. As an adult, and through my family, friends, and hubby I have realized that it's just a part of who I am. It is one of the things that makes me, well me. They like me (usually), I like me, and at the end of the day that is good enough for me.

Happy Birthday Papa

Although I could have thought of better ways for him to spend the day yesterday, I hope it was a happy one nonetheless .

A few fun Papa Mitt tidbits...

• He can teach anyone to play cribbage, and never gets frustrated. He may even let you win
  
• He can filet a fish in record time...and make it look pretty. This may not seem that glorious, but it's impressive to watch
• He is an example of the kind of man I looked for to be my husband
• He always seems to have a toothpick in his mouth
• He drove 7 hours each way from Michigan to Ohio more times that I can remember to be with my mom (his second child) when she was sick. He is also an example of the father I hope Jim is one day
• He likes to play dress up (see below)
  
• He too once exclaimed "Carrie is by far my favorite grandchild" :) (which may change after he sees the picture below)
  

Happy Birthday Papa Mitt! I love you and miss you!

I'll be happy when...

Prompt is courtesy of Kathy and writers workshop

Is it considered cheating to say I am already happy?
It's true you know.

Then again, I'll be happier when...

• The tile floor that takes up 85% of our house mops itself
• The same tile floor sweeps itself first. First with the broom, then with the Swiffer.
  
• The tile floor teaches the area rug to self clean
• Our cat Cagney brushes herself daily
• I can have a golden sun kissed glow without sun, either real or artificial
• My husband musters the strength to place the TP on the actual holder.
  
• The Dunkin Donuts staff stop asking me "and sugar" when I say "decaf toasted almond coffee with cream only please". I know it's silly, but it bothers me.
• People stop saying irregardless. I am sure it's listed in some dictionary, but it's really not a word, it's redundant and in my opinion a double negative. The less in regardless makes it a negative (without regard or not taking into account). So wouldn't irregardless mean NOT without regard. Either way you look at it, it's redundant.
  
• Giada and I spend an afternoon getting manicures (have I ever mentioned I love her nails), having lunch and cooking together.
  
• Alton Brown joins us for dessert
• Ina, Duff, and Tyler stop for some coffee.
  
• They all chat and realize I am just need some fine tuning, talk to the Food Network and give me my own show.
• My brother decides that Melt just isn't the same without me and stops going unless I am in town
• West Palm Beach and Cleveland are in the same county, in the same state.
• Bacon becomes a health food

Its a good thing I am a happy, lucky girl already!

Pampering for the penny pincher

We all like a bit of pampering. And let's face it, we all deserve it! If an afternoon at the spa isn't in your budget, and heck even if it is you can save a bundle with these penny pinching tips.

I love this article for pretty feet no matter how much time you have on hand. Take a peek

After an at home pedicure, complete the nails with a do it yourself manicure. You know the basics, but to get the complete spa experience give these ideas a try:

• Soak your hands warm soapy water first
• Push back (don't cut) your cuticles
• Exfoliate, and rinse your hands
• Place a moist towel in the microwave then wrap around hands (and/or feet). This is my favorite part of the spa pedicures and manicure. Now, sit back and relax. Be careful with this step, heat up the towel slowly to ensure it doesn't get too hot.
• Moisturize, then wipe nails before applying polish to remove oils.
• Use a base coat first.
  
• Paint your nail starting on the side. You should be able to paint your nail in three strokes. (one on each side, and the middle)
• Finish with a top coat

Finally, treat your hands, feet, and entire body with an easy homemade exfoliater. There are lots of recipes out there for sugar scrubs. Here are my two favorites:

Lemony Sugar Scrub

1 Cup Sugar
1/2 Cup olive oil
Lemon juice (about a teaspoon or so)

Combine all ingredients, place in a container of your choice and enjoy.

Brown Sugar Scrub

1 Cup brown sugar
1/2 Cup almond or olive oil
1 tsp vanilla extract

Combine all ingredients, place in a container of your choice and enjoy.

*These scrubs are great exfoliaters, but adding items like vitamin E, small amounts of honey, essential oils, etc. can help with extra moisturizing. I don't mess with them.
*You can leave out the vanilla and lemon in either recipe as they are mainly for scent.
*Whether you wash with soap and water first or second is up to you.
*Let the sugar do the work. You don't need to scrub too hard.

It's a process

Earlier in the year, I put the smack down on all things white flour. I read the ingredients on every label for bread, cereal, crackers, and snacks to ensure that the it was indeed made with 100% WHOLE wheat. The first ingredient needed to read Whole wheat.
It wasn't as easy it seems, and we had to make a few switches for the good cause. I purchased a great whole grain cookbook and have made muffins, cookies, and other goodies and you really wouldn't know that I had replaced the refined white stuff with whole wheat goodness. I am currently working on mastering the art of a great whole wheat sandwich bread.

This one simple change led to other healthy choices, most recently the ban of hydrogenated oils and high fructose corn syrup.

Someday I will tell you about partially hydrogenated/hydrogenated oils, but suffice to say they aren't good for you and we won't be partaking in them any longer. There is a reason the FDA started forcing trans fat to be listed on nutrition labels a few years ago.

For many the jury is still out on high fructose corn syrup, but I don't really trust the Sweet Surprise commercials. I mean sure it's made from corn, but french fries are made from potatoes and last I checked no one was encouraging us to eat those.

Cutting out foods with these items seemed like the obvious thing to do. Actually doing it was a process. I spent so much time reading labels, that I think the staff at Publix were worried I would never leave.

The ingredients seemed to pop up everywhere. Even the things that seemed ok before are now banned. My normal coffee creamer has partially hydrogenated oil, the cereal bars that seemed like a decent snack have both high fructose corn syrup and partially/hydrogenated oils, even ketchup has high fructose corn syrup. I think I spent 10 minutes reading every wrap label until I found a sandwich wrap without shortening or hydrogenated oils. It was frustrating.

The search for all the answers and ok foods just led to one conclusion: eliminating, or at least cutting way way back on processed foods.

I guess I should be clear here. Lots of things are processed. Milk is considered processed since it is pasteurized to kill bacteria, frozen vegetables can considered processed. I think we all know what I am getting at though. Here is what we are avoiding

• canned foods with lots of sodium
• white breads and pastas made with refined white flour, which are not as healthy as those made with whole grains
• most packaged snack foods, like chips and cheese snacks
• high-fat convenience foods, like cans of ravioli
• frozen fish sticks and frozen dinners
• packaged cakes and cookies
• boxed meal mixes
• sugary breakfast cereals
• processed meats
  

I won't say it was simple, but with a bit of planning we have done well. I was never a fan of boxed meals and I cook dinner 5-6 nights a week, so most meals weren't an issue. The occasional grab and go breakfast would be tricky, as well as snacks.

Processed foods are a convenience. It's easy to grab a granola bar or snack pack on the way out the door. The best advice I can give is to plan. Each Sunday, I spend a bit of time preparing easy yummy non processed foods for the week for snacks and/or breakfasts. It's time well spent in my opinion.

My unsolicited advice:

• Try plain yogurt and add your own fruit or a bit of honey to it. Greek yogurt is amazing and when combined with some berries makes a great breakfast. The brand we recently found makes a vanilla flavor that I love with no HFCS
• Figure out your favorite convenience (processed) food and see if you can make it yourself. I am not claiming that everything I prepare is extremely healthy, but I like that I know what is going into the food.
  
• Portion out the healthy alternatives you create into single servings. The recipe below does that. I also make a fruit salad and place it into individual servings in reusable containers. Jim can grab one to eat at the office if he is running late, and its nice to have it all ready when you want a snack.
  

Remember that granola/cereal bar that is now banned from our diet? Well, it has been replaced with this yummy favorite. (you didn't think I would leave you without a recipe did you)

Granola Bites

1/3 cup almond butter * (see notes)
1/3 cup pure maple syrup *
2 egg whites
1 tsp pumpkin pie spice (or cinnamon)
2 1/2 Cups low fat granola*
1/2 cup raisins

Preheat oven to 250
Spray a 12 cup muffin tin with cooking spray

In bowl, whisk together almond butter and maple syrup

Add egg whites and spice and whisk again until smooth

Stir in granola and raisins

Divide mixture evenly into muffin cups.

Bake for 45 minutes on center oven rack. Remove from oven and allow to cool completely on wire rack before removing from muffin tins.
Store in airtight container

Notes
* You can use natural peanut butter if you prefer. Almond butter is sold at most grocery, but I get the best deal at Whole Foods since they have several brands to choose from. Regular peanut butter has hydrogenated oils, so we avoid it. If texture is an issue, check a natural food store, deli or market. They now make a lot of different varieties of a more natural peanut butter, including no stir varieties that are much creamier and do not have to be refrigerated. Earth Balance is a good one
* You want pure maple syrup. Imitation syrup is basically maple flavored corn syrup
*Watch the sugar content in your granola. Granola with added fruits and raisins may make these two sweet. I buy the granola in bulk. Our favorite is pumpkin flax sold in the bulk section at Whole Foods

Daring Kitchen Challenge- Baking

Bakewell Tart/Pudding

A bakewell tart starts with a sweet shortbread crust, topped with fruit spread (such as lemon curd, fruit preserves or jam), and it finished with frangipane (a sponge like like filling with ground almonds)

Sweet shortcrust pastry

225g (8oz) all purpose flour
30g (1oz) sugar
2.5ml (½ tsp) salt
110g (4oz) unsalted butter, cold (frozen is better)
2 (2) egg yolks
2.5ml (½ tsp) almond extract (optional)
15-30ml (1-2 Tbsp) cold water

Sift together flour, sugar and salt. Grate butter into the flour mixture, using the large hole-side of a box grater. Using your finger tips only, and working very quickly, rub the fat into the flour until the mixture resembles bread crumbs. Set aside.

Lightly beat the egg yolks with the almond extract (if using) and quickly mix into the flour mixture. Keep mixing while dribbling in the water, only adding enough to form a cohesive and slightly sticky dough. Form the dough into a disc, wrap in cling and refrigerate for at least 30 minutes

Frangipane

125g (4.5oz) unsalted butter, softened
125g (4.5oz) icing sugar
3 (3) eggs
2.5ml (½ tsp) almond extract
125g (4.5oz) ground almonds
30g (1oz) all purpose flour

Cream butter and sugar together for about a minute or until the mixture is light yellow in color and very fluffy. Scrape down the side of the bowl and add the eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. The batter may appear to curdle. In the words of Douglas Adams: Don’t panic. Really. It’ll be fine. After all three are in, pour in the almond extract and mix for about another 30 seconds and scrape down the sides again. With the beaters on, spoon in the ground nuts and the flour. Mix well. The mixture will be soft, keep its slightly curdled look (mostly from the almonds) and retain its pallid yellow color.

Assembling the tart

Place the chilled dough disc on a lightly floured surface. If it's overly cold, you will need to let it become acclimatized for about 15 minutes before you roll it out. Flour the rolling pin and roll the pastry to 5mm (1/4”) thickness, by rolling in one direction only (start from the centre and roll away from you), and turning the disc a quarter turn after each roll. When the pastry is to the desired size and thickness, transfer it to the tart pan, press in and trim the excess dough. Patch any holes, fissures or tears with trimmed bits. Chill in the freezer for 15 minutes.

Preheat oven to 200C/400F.

Remove shell from freezer, spread as even a layer as you can of jam onto the pastry base. Top with frangipane, spreading to cover the entire surface of the tart. Smooth the top and pop into the oven for 30 minutes. Five minutes before the tart is done, the top will be poofy and brownish. Remove from oven and strew flaked almonds on top and return to the heat for the last five minutes of baking.

The finished tart will have a golden crust and the frangipane will be tanned, poofy and a bit spongy-looking. Remove from the oven and cool on the counter. Serve warm, with crème fraîche, whipped cream or custard sauce if you wish. When you slice into the tart, the almond paste will be firm, but slightly squidgy and the crust should be crisp but not tough.

Notes:

• Jim and I both really liked this dessert. Often times desserts are just to heavy and/or rich for me.
  
• I was nervous when I pulled my tart out of the oven because it was so dark. It should be a little tan but I thought mine was too dark. I used wheat flour (that's all we use here) and think that may have contributed to it, however, it tasted great. Not at all burnt or too done
• The recipe states to chill dough in freezer at least 30 minutes. I lost track of time doing other things around the house and mine sat in the freezer for a few hours. It was rock hard when I pulled it out. I had to give it about 30 minutes to get to a consistency to work with.
  
• I would definitely make this again

If you like to cook and/or bake, you should pop over to the daring kitchen and see what its all about. You can join as a baker, cook, or both (like I did). It is great way to develop and test new skills without the fear of being judged or critiqued. Most importantly, it's fun!