Subject Assignment #1
I had a blankie and a security pillow. I still have a piece (literally, a tiny little piece) of the blankie. The pillow on the other hand, well I have it still. And for good reason. Thats it right there in the picture.
When I was little I would sleep on it and pull at the little feathers that would sometimes poke through at night when I was scared. I knew everything would be all right.
Sometimes I would put it on my Moms lap and lay there with her when I was sad. She would stroke my hair and everything would be all right.
When my mom was sick I would hug it at night and cry. I thought everything would be all right.
My mom didn't beat the cancer that she fought so hard against, and for a moment I thought nothing would ever be all right. I was questioning a lot of things at that time.
I would lay with that pillow at night, or in the morning, or whenever I needed to, and every once in a while I would notice it smelled like her. Things were not all right, but they were ok.
Then something happened. Our dog got a hold of the pillow, and chewed a hole right in the middle of it. I was devastated. It may sound ridiculous to some, but I was a sixteen year old girl devastated at the loss of her "blankie" that was for her, a pillow. Most probably didn't get it.
One person did...my dad. He took the pillow, found some thread and a needle and got to work. I laugh at it now. He is most definitely not a sewer. He grabbed the edges of the hole the dog had created, gathered them in a wad and ran the needle back and forth and sideways and however he could to close up the hole. It was/is not pretty. It doesn't matter though. In that moment, he was the dad, the mom, the comforter, the fixer, the everything. The man, that for sixteen years had just been my dad become both parents at that moment. I knew then that everything was going to be all right. It would never be ok that she was gone, but I knew at that moment, that we would make it.
We did..And some days, even though it has been nearly 16 years are much much harder than others. Some days I need the pillow, or the thought of it rather, and what it represents. I don't hold it for comfort anymore, but I will always have it near me.
Since that day, the pillow has had the case replaced twice (you can still feel that ball on the actual cover that dad fixed), it has moved four times (one out of state). It has endured many more memories.
My Dad and I have had a few downs, but mostly ups. He is an amazing man and father. I don't need that moment like that to see it now, but I guess I did then.
I don't have to sleep with that pillow every night anymore, but I know its there when I want it. It sounds odd to most that a 31 year old still has a pillow that brought her comfort as a child, but for me, its so much more than that.